Project Runway Season 6 – Episode 1

21 08 2009

The new season of Project Runway premiered last night and proved to be just as addictive as the Bravo version and actually less hampered down by the overbearing Bravo brand and its annoying “I’m speaking emphatically into a loudspeaker” announcer. Project Runway’s catwalk run on the Lifetime network will serve the channel well by funneling the ever-forceful gay audience right into its tear-soaked laps. What was once just a network for hormonal women looking for a bad movie and a good cry now has some street cred. Well, whatever street cred Project Runway bestows. It certainly has more cultural cred in the form of severely amped up ad dollars. This is good news for all. I might not have to shudder when I see the Lifetime logo on the corner of my screen. More on the network ratings coup here.

Heidi Klum and Tin Gunn of Project Runway
Heidi Klum and Tin Gunn of Project Runway

Cue show. Unexpected, quiet intro that showcases the real stars of the show. Ahh, Heidi and Tim. It’s curious to note the heft of Heidi and Tim on Project Runway. Bravo’s replacement fashion show, called umm,  The Fashion Show, was literally a carbon copy of PR with a new name and different hosts, yet aficionados pooh-pahed over the “ghetto” PR and waited patiently for the real deal. (And we waited a long time. The lag time between shooting and airing was evidenced by the painfully anachronistic guest judge, Lindsay Lohan.) Now that the day has arrived, it seems the familiarity was all we were looking for. What do Heidi and Tm really add to the show except a few key catch phrases? Are we really such a nation of sheep that we yearn for a accented “You’re out” to pique our interest? It appears so.  Isaac Mizrahi pretty much stole Tim Gunn’s personality for The Fashion Show with a wrist flip and a ”Make it work,” yet we turned our noses up at the imposter. It seems we are simpletons, yet very picky simpletons.

Last night’s premier introduced the Season 6 cast of designers and debuted a new locale for PR—Los Angeles.  Slate commentator Troy Patterson qualifies (decries?) this change as a dumming down of the fashion  and a kowtow to stupid Americans who might be more inclined to speak the language of the L.A. red carpet fashion than the pretentious (and mean) New York scene. Whatever the reason, it’s weird. I no likey. Even the contestants pause to give notice of the switch.  But with the exception of a stripmall-esque trip to Mood, you hardly notice the new digs.

As fas the contestants go, I have to say that I am bored. Yawn. They got rid of the most out-there designer right off the bat. Ari was a wack-job, no doubt about it, but part of the appeal of PR is that avergae joes and janes get to scoff at the embarassing interpretative crap that comes from fashion “entreprenuers.” Of course her shiny smock was inappropriate, but Qrystal (umm, really?) produced a much worse offense—a hideously tacky dress. The rest of the contestants seem drab and uninterested, and there seems to be no clear drama queen yet. And let’s be clear: without a drama queen, this is a home-ec assignment.

Still from Project Runway © 2009 Lifetime Entertainment Services. All rights reserved.





Top Chef, Las Vegas – Episode 1

18 08 2009

The glistening head of Tom Colicchio shines once again. Tonight’s episode of the new Las Vegas season of Top Chef debuts with a comforting predictability and gives meaning to my boring, irreality-soaked life. Hey! Wanna play a rousing, premier party drinking game to share with TC enthusiasts? Before the show starts, create your own cast of characters using classic TC archetypes, like the Token Gay Bear (Ash Fulk—his name already sounds like some kind of sex act, perhaps Ass Fuck?), Tattoed Chick (Jennifer Zavela, understudy is Jesse Sandlin) and of course, the Plot Wrench (last year’s power lesbian couple is this season’s Brothers Voltaggio, otherwise known as the Abercrombie Duo). Everytime a classic TC archetype manifests itself, a shot of amaretto topped with a coffee foam for you!

Top Chef Cast

Top Chef Cast

Let’s run down the cast, shall we?

Eve Aronoff: The Idiot. Shocked and appalled that she didn’t get kicked off tonight for her “I’m complexly simple, yet untalented” dish.

Jennifer Zavala: The Biggest Loser. I won’t waste my time with this one, cuz she gone. At least her early departure saves me a season of holding my ears and wincing. Seitan = this season’s ostrich egg.

Eli Kirshtein: The Loveable Jew. I dig his style, but his dish looked a hot mess. Deconstructed = a hot mess, by the way.

Ron Duprant: Amistad, or The Rambling Haitian. Oh my, this guy has the potential to make the whole season for me. What in holy hell was he talking about? Super surprised he won his group.

Michael Isabella: Ouch, I Singed My Eyebrows. I already hate this misogynist ass but am prepared to have him be in the running for a long time. I guess he can cook, but more  importantly the producers will never let this season’s Foul-Mouthed Gumba go. He makes Ratings Risotto.

Preeti Mistry: Andro-Girl I. Umm, the names this season are classic. Preeti Mistry sounds like Pretty Mystery, which is pretty much what I think when I look at her. Man or woman, man or woman?

Laurine Wickett: Boring Chick. Although anyone who makes bacon for dessert has to be OK.

Robin Leventhal: Old Lady. She makes me not want to watch TC on the HD channel.

Kevin Gillespie: Yukon Cornelius. Please tell me people remember Yukon Cornelius from the Rudolph movie. Google it.

Mattin Noblia: Oh Man, Why Are You Always Wearing a Red Scarf? I need time to let this fester and a better nickname will come. But for right now, I am slobberin’ at this juicy bone the casting directors have thrown us.

Jesse Sandlin: Alterna-Girl. Dry chicken is a bitch, happens to me all the time. That’s why I’m not on Top Chef.

Jennifer Carroll: Balls Out Chick. All I can say is please don’t pull a Casey and fuck it all up.

Hector Santiago: HECTOR! This guy needs no nickname. He is HECTOR! His bio picture on bravotv.com is frightening as hell.

Ashley Merriman: Andro-Girl II.  As scary as Hector with just as many testicles.

Ash Fulk: Ass Fuck. Tom Colicchio’s gay bear eye candy for the season. It’s in his contract.

Brian Voltaggio: What say we settle this in the kitchen?
Michael Voltaggio: Are you challenging me to a cook-off?

Oh, Snap!

Padma’s weird scar and Valium-induced slur are back, as are Gail’s beefy arms. Plus, enough Vegas-themed metaphors to make you cringe. (Vegas Strip Steak dish? Wedding chapel catering? Dishes inspired by poker cards/hands? I almost guarantee I can predict these elimination challanges.)

It’s going to be a great season.

Still from Top Chef © 2009 Bravo Media. All rights reserved.







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